A WILDCAT FLASHBACK

FRIDAY AND LONELY I WISH I HAD A HOMIE TO TAKE ME TO A FOOTBALL GAME BUT THAT'S SOUNDS INSANE BECAUSE I'M NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE YES GOD CLOSE THAT DOOR 17 YEARS AGO BUT I DO MISS IT TOUGH EVERY TIME I SSE THE COLORS BLUE AND GOLD IT JUST DOES SOMETHING TO MY SOUL AND RIGHT BACK IN THE HALLS AGAIN WITH MY FRIENDS WONDERING IF I WILL EVER GET ASKED OUT AND WHAT ROUTE TO TAKE TO GET OVER HEARTBREAK AND I MADE IT BUT THOSE MEMORIES HAVE NOT FADED AWAY BECAUSE HERE I AM TODAY TRYING TO SAY WHERE DID THE TIME GO AND OH HOW I MISS IT SO

GOD'S DESIRE

everybody has a date or a mate so it seems and inside scream i want to be a queen but God says i'm already that so i take 6that wish back and fish out another one like being a step mother to a son and God says "It's done and "don't worry about walking because you were meant to run lapse around your mishaps and born to help me bridge the gap from earth to haven with your 24/7 anointing so girl stop pointing and wait your turn and start embracing my heartburn"

MY MORNING REVELATION

i was created to write i was created to fight until i see the light at the end of this earthly tunnel which is my life which is my mission so listen i am here for a short time and so there's no rewind what's done is done so yeah stay focus and don't you run because the best is yet to come yes for you and for me but we must keep moving until we see the fruits of our labor or the promise of our savior

TALKING TO MYSELF (PART 2)

HEY MONIQUE DON'T JUST SIT THERE IN FUNK YEAH GIRL, GET RID OF THAT EMOTIONAL JUNK OUT OF YOU HEART TRUNK BECAUSE IT'S ONLY THERE TO TRY TO CONVINCE YOU THAT LIFE ISN'T FAIR AND THAT PEOPLE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE IN FACT MANY DO SO NO MORE BOOHOO BECAUSE TEARS LIKE THAT ARE LIKE VOODOO YES SENT TO HARM YOU WHEN YOU ALREADY FEELING BLUE AND IF THEY CAN FINISH YOU OFF,COOL BUT BE A FOOL AND JUST STICK TO THE GOLDEN RULE THUMB UNTIL THE KING COMES TO TAKE YOU HOME BUT REMEMBER YOU ARE BOT ALONE BECAUSE HE IS ON THRONE AND YOU DON'T EVEN NEED A PHONE TO TALK TO HIM OR WORKING FEET TO WALK WITH HIM AND GIRL, THAT'S SO SWEET AND NEAT AT THE SAME TIME JUST LIKE THIS RHYME THAT JUST POPPED IN MY MIND BUT NOW I FEEL FINE ABOUT TALKING TO MYSELF

A LETTER OF BETTER (NOVEMBER 11, 2014)

here i sit trying to fight my depression here i sit trying to learn life lessons and have some discretion but somehow i keep on sharing my confessions about living with cerebral palsy which some might say "that's real ballsy and that's alright because every time write i feel better yeah, it's like i'm writing a letter to myself and if someone else happens to read it... that;s fine because i am honest in every since line even if i am not feeling so kind in my heart and in mind my mission is always to listen to my emotions and let them flow out of me like the sea of Galilee yeah pure beauty for ashes because my sadness just passes away well at least for that day or that moment in time where the sun didn't shine in my mind from feeling left behind but once again i'm fine once i write a line or two and if it also helps you then cool

FROM MY DESK TOP TO THE MOUNTAIN TOP

Day after day i sit at my desk waiting for a reason to confess my mess or my blessings And it does mater to me what comes out of my spirit first, as long as it's not rehearsed. Meaning how i really feel right then, so yes no pretend in sight. Because totally honesty is alright. Now that's not to say that telling the truth will never hurt, but i truly believe that the truth will always work out for my good eventually. Like for instance, when i was 14 years old experience my fist crush ever and since i couldn't verbally talk to him (due to him being so fine in my opinion) I began writing the most heartfelt letters to him. Now my letters didn't move his heart the way hr moved mine, but that honest exchange has frame everything i do today in books. My emotions forces me to take a look at myself in depth. Because once my emotions hit the paper or my computer, I have no but to accept what is there. Now often times i don't like see in front of me But deal with it. Because whatever is on the page is there for a reason. Even though i might only feel like that for season, it is a season that made an imprint on my life in some way. So stay gift. And help me up lift myself as well as others. Because i am lover of words and emotions But more important i am lover of uplifting people. Not putting them on a petrol but to help them feel better enough to go on. Even when when facing a storm. Yes i try to be a friend in my words Yes even through my mess and stress, i try to bless Because it seems like whatever i go through is not for me but you. Yes you out there who is reading this, and who is feeling pissed about whatever is going on wrong in your home (internally speaking) So i siting at my desk day after is not such a bad thing after all.

YESTERDAY'S GOOD NEWS

God i forgot to think you for yesterday because my selfish thoughts got in the way but today i must say that you did pretty okay because you made me smile and you made laugh and you made forget out my past for a little while so i'm so glad to be your child because it could be much worse in fact it has been but being your kin and being your sin even with my sin is still golden and even though your will is still molding me i feel free so thank you Daddy

TODAY ( AUGUST 10, 2014)

today is all i have today is all i know so should i stay? or should i go? to tomorrow in my mind to see what i could find or can use to turn into good news or some good blues like on Bill Street man, jus' thinkin' about that makes me wanna move my feet to the pavement opportunity and knock on a few doors or fight in a few wars all in the name of Christ 'cause even though i'm not perfect He still thinks i'm worth it and that should counts for somethin' so i should make today count for somthinn' so i shouldn't take any breaks for goodness sakes unless God gives me rest but either way i'm still best to have today

MENTAL EARTHQUAKE

these thoughts in my head are about to choke me dead or so it seems and i keep on having this wild dreams that make me emotionally scream for help because i don't understand all of God's plan for me and He says not to worry because He has everything under control but my soul want out of here because of fear of what is next yeah what's going to vex me while in this human suit and what is the root and will i ever see good fruit from it before i plummet or reach the top of the Promise Land before these sinking sand of thoughts get caught up in my head for good leaving my heart hard like wood or stone wanting to be left alone but not really but i told you that my brain been acting silly

ALL SHOOK UP

girl, you are in screams yeah, girl you are in my dreams girl you in everything that i do because i am constantly missing you and your blue eyes girl i didn't realize just how hard it would be for me not to hear from you or see you on accession yeah girl my feelings are raging like an animal in a cage because i just can't turn this page of you passing because my love for you is everlasting and i'm still here without you and with some tears and i wish i had a couple of beers and i don't even drink that but girl that's how much i wish... i could have you back but then you would be in pain and then i would feel ashamed... of myself for thinking of myself so what kind of friend would i be Sheri? not one at all in my book but either way... i'm still shook

THE MOMENT

I LOVE FEELING THE SUNSHINE ON MY SKIN AND I LOVE HANGING OUT WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS? AND WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN? THE GRASS CAN TURN GREEN IN A STORM YES YOU JUST GOTTA HOLD ON WHILE YOU'RE RIDING THE RIDE AND LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE YES LOOK TO THE HEAVENS YES LOOK TO THE SKY BEFORE THE MOMENT PASSES YOU BY YES AT LEAST TRY BEFORE YOU DIE EVEN IF YOU CRY THROUGH IT JUST DO IT RIGHT THEN RIGHT THERE BECAUSE I SWEAR ONCE THE MOMENT IS GONE IT'S GONE YES NO MORE RIGHTING YOUR WRONGS OR SINGING LOVE SONGS IN THE MOMENT SO OWN IT

X MARKS THE SPOT

TODAY SCARES ME BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN BECAUSE GOD IS REALLY THAT CAPTAIN OF MY SHIP BUT I HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO SLIP RIGHT OFF THE BOAT AND NOT ABLE TO FLOAT AND CHOKE TO DEATH SO TODAY COULD BE MY LAST BREATH BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK ABOUT MYSELF I THINK ABOUT OTHERS MY LOVERS BUT NOT IN SEXUALLY SENSE BUT THOSE WHO EVIDENTLY LOVE ME FOR ME LIKE SHERI AND RONNIE DID BUT MOW THEY'RE GONE AND I FEEL SO ALONE AS THOUGH I DID SOMETHING SO WRONG IN MY PAST TO MAKE THEM BOTH PASS AWAY AND I KNOW THAT SOUNDS CRAZY TO SAY BUT THIS IS HOW I REALLY FEEL TODAY WELL,OKAY, AT THIS MOMENT BUT I OWN IT YEAH I ACCEPT IT RATHER I LIKE IT OR NOT X MARKS THE SPOT TO PAIN AND CONFUSION AND MY EMOTIONAL CONTUSION

SPTRITUALLY STONE

i wish i could touch the ceiling i wish i could touch the sky yeah i wish i could just get high high of the ground to feel something profound without leaving my body or needing somebody to help me yeah just free and tall and able to do it all by myself until my last breath yeah until my earthly death because one day i'm gonna die but today i just wanna get high but not from drugs or alcohol but from just having the ball with family or friends yeah i wanna feel it from within without committing sin but i really wanna feel the wind against my skin and bones

EXTRAORDINARY

i'm here now and now is i have to go on right or wrong weak or strong it's my choice it's my voice on the line come rain or shine but it's like i living blind because i can't see the future in front of me and that's scary as Hell but necessary i guess to make to Heaven but i would love less stress through this process please and i don't like being teased with the possibility of tomorrow because i know i'm living on borrow time and my mind.... can't seem to rest.... with all the test and trials... of my lifestyle rather tame or wild i roar i growl like an animal's child in the jungle just trying to survive from day to day but in a human way

99.999% POOF ( PATERNITY TEST)

i have a daddy on Earth and another daddy in Heaven yeah, one i hardly see and the other who's always around me but i love them both but one i love the most because they both made me who i am today in some way inside and out even though i'm still not sure... what all i'm here for but i hate my existence anymore despite the occasional tug-a-war... going on inside of me i'm still glad i be... human yes, flesh and bone with a skin tone that's very well known but not to often shown... respect... but i haven't let... that turn me around yes, i have stood my ground in spirit and in truth because of my 99.999% poof

AS THE WORLD TURNS

i'm suppose to be alone and never hear the ringing of phone and always do right but never wrong yes i suppose to soldier on whatever comes my way every single day while i pray well at least that's what my feelings say and what a price to pay for being a human but i'm still doin' slowly but surely but i need the Holy Spirit to cure me of being lonely and ungrateful and help me to remain fateful to His Word as well as mine while i'm feeling left behind by so-called friends of mine until the time of His Return or until every lesson is learned as the world turns

HEARTBURN

i'm searching foe peace i'm searching for strength but at least i know... i'm not an accident so i can let that burden go and really start to grow and flow like a river as the toxins leave my liver so i won't be bitter and my soul won't shiver every time the world tries to work me and won't let me be me sincerely fearfully and wonderfully made and as unique as a float in THE ROSE PARADE but right now i need some shade right now i need some grace right now i really need a smile put on my face from the inside out and my emotional screams... to be turned into some more happier things because right now... i feel like i'm flying with a broken wing because my love ones are dying ans i'm steady trying to make sense of that without really looking back but the fact is... i do and i miss them too but i'm still here so i got work to do before i'm through with this life... of twist and turns but i'm open to learn

BLOWING OFF STEAM

people i love keep dying while people i hate keep living but in life that's a given or so seems as my soul screams out what's this all about? and why i'm i still here? and about to drown in my tears or get choke to death by my grieve and disbelief O God i just want this pain in chest to cease to exist because i don't want to live like this for the rest of time on earth because that would be the worst but God your will comes First i know as You continue to show me each and everyday in every way rather i understand Your Plan or not reign on top of what i feel and all that is real and just and still certain things are hard to accept in depth even after i wept but you know exactly what i mean but im still blowing off steam

ONE ON OME TIME

you can worship God anywhere you just have show Him that you care and that you are glad that he made you and saved you for something greater than yourself greater than death yes greater than a lot of things even angels with wings so try to fly spiritually wherever you are and see how far you will get if you let him in like a friend despite your sin just open and hoping for change of heart which is the only part that really matters that's right not a stain glass or your stain past just you now HIS CHILD

HOME ALONE

man, it's really starting to bother me what? me being lonely and unattached at this age and at this in my life yes,why Christ must i be alone? in this way everyday single when i have the desire to mingle and i have this annoying tingle inside me that desperately want to be set free for the whole world to see sort to speak yes this emotional pain is consuming my brain yes it's insane how being in love is mostly what i think about yes my heart cries out "LOVE ME IN THAT SPECIAL WAY... UNTIL MY DYING DAY yes, i want to left breathless... until i am left breathless

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

i have what i need
but my heart wants more
 tug-a-war tug-a war
yes my heart is sore
my heart is greedy
yes my heart is really hungry
yes my heart is really lonely
for attention to frame
and for an extension
to my name
yes i long for marriage
and a horse drawn carriage
and a baby buggy
yes i want a loving hubby
in all forms
who knows how to keep me warm
and comfort me in a storm
until the end
yes be my friend
with benefits

O WAIT A MINUTE NOW

should i even wait for date?
should even wait for a mate?
should i even wait for a child?
i am really starting to wonder
because it feels like i'm goin' under
the radar
so point me to the nearest bar
so i can drown my sorrows
until tomorrow
or jus' let me borrow...
happiness for a day ...
so i can say...
i know how it feels to happy
and wanted...
by someone...
who doesn't plan to run...
away
until his dying day
but it's not that way
well at least not right now
but i so wanna  husband
and i so wanna  child 

PARADISE ISLAND

i want to love
and thought of
in romantic way
like today
like right now
yes the thought excites me
like a child
on Christmas morning
yes i want to wake up beside someone
yearning
who wouldn't mind performing
 his husbandry duty
if you know what i mean
yes make me scream
for joy
and give me a boy
or a girl
yes add to my world
and make it wonderful
beyond belief
even in grief
yes i should be able too
find a four-leaf
in my life
yes paradise
island   

SOMEONE TO LOVE

i really want someone someday
yes who really wants to stay
yes this i hope
yes this i play
today
and tomorrow i'm sure
i don't wanna be alone anymore
no i don't wanna be strong anymore
'cause i yearn to be weak
and have someone to sleep with
especially when i going though...
some emotionally shit
yes someone to hold me
and console 
with clothes on
and clothes off
and i don't care if i sound soft
or lost
'cause i promise
i'm bein' honest
i want someone to love me
to death do us part
with their whole heart

A LITTLE UNGRATEFUL

Father, this waiting game
is about to drive me insane
or so it feels
but i guess it's not your will
if i don't have yet
yeah if i can't touch it
or love it
and i'm tell thinking of it
everyday
in every way
yes i'm feeling....
a little ungrateful today
well at least in this moment
because i want it
so badly
and sadly
i have blamed you
when stuff haven't came through
on my time frame
mmm maybe i have gone insane
but  i'm just being hones
but whatever your will is...
i'll still service you

A SPIRITUAL THING

God thought of me
Before my parents did
so i'm all of their kid
no matter what
they all have the right to get in my butt
in a number of ways
O how i miss the good ol' days
when clothes were not an option
and sin wasn't in
and pure was sure
and no insecurity
in the world
yeah, just a naked boy
and a naked girl
talking and walking
with God, The Father
The Starter
of everything....
with or without wings
but full of spiritual things

Ferris-Wheel

empty
is how i feel right now
yes, i need someone ...
to show me how...
to feel myself up with love
when no one else is around
yes, i am feeling drown
on the inside
yes please help me get off this ride
of loneliness..
because i know i'm bless...
despite how i feel...
i just don't like...
 this Ferris-wheel
'cause it's not fair
me in chair
not able to go hardly anywhere...
on my own
yes, i have to pick up the phone...
for help
and yeah sometimes i wept..
out of frustration
but i do want to apart of nation
even though it's seem not to want me
i want to be in a community....
WEEEEEEE 

time-consuming

i'm not burden
i'm a blessing
i'm not a test
i'm a lesson
to the world
that's right
i'm more
than just
a disable girl
that 's right
i'm a pearl
according  to God
yes, i'm beautiful
like Cape Cod
and sweet l
like a pea pod
so i'm stayin' here
despite the jeers
in my ears
or the stare
from my chair
and i'm not sayin'
that i don't care
but not to the point where
i will wheel myself out of here
before my time 

FRIENDSHIP S.O.S.

man, i could really use a friend right now
and not just instant message facebook pal
yes a real one that comes over
and let me cry on their shoulder
or takes me out
and let me twist and shout
 with them for a few hours
until i get my power back
yes will somebody please...
could pick up the slack...
of my emotions...
because they're flowing out of me
like the seven seas...
of the world ...
and on the inside
i'm just a lonely girl
tryna fit in
tryna make friends
and keep them close  to me
like family

KINGDOM COME

i'm sad
'cause it seems like the only real friend i had
died  
and  my pride
won't let me cry...
to much
but i hurt so much
but just i feel numb
and my heart is...
is beating like a drum
while waiting for kingdom  to come
scoop me up into the clouds
where silence...
sounds loud...
in a crowd...
full of angel
in a field of grace
yes, a real heavenly place
to die for
but before i do
i want more
here
but without the tears...
of loss
but God is the boss
and i am the employee
but i need him to help me...
work this out
 before i lose  my mind
or waste my time...
on the assembly-line
of life
but death sure cuts ...
like a knife...
to the flesh
so i need to rest
so i can heal
right
before
God comes
like a thief
in the night
yes Lord
i'm ready to take flight

 

GOD'S PLAN

man, i have been single for a long time
but i still have my mind
and i still enjoy seeing the sunshine ...
for others
yes, i enjoy seeing lovers
side to side
hand to hand
yes love is apart of God;s plan
now for me, i don't know
But if send me, i will go
and show the best part of me
internally speaking
as my love deepens
for him
whoever he might be
but i have to wait and see
if i ever become a we
along with a family tree
in our backyard
yes, this is...
the desire...
of my heart  

MY PASSIONATE PRAYER.

God take me out of this body
Or send me somebody
That will accept this
And wanna kiss, hug, and love
And hold on tight to me like a glove
Yeah a partner for life
Who believes in Chist
Yeah that would be nice
More like paradise
To me
Yeah just sayin' that...
Makes me feel free
Which is so funny
Because i'm talkin' about being with somebody
And for a lifetime at that
But i can'r take it back
Because that's how i feel for real
And i'm pretty sure i will until i see...
Me walkin
Or a man talkin'...
Marriage to me
Daddy,
In Jesus Name
Amen

POKER FACE

i'm horny as an instrument
sweet as a sentiment
crazy as a clown
and profound as a post
but don' really show it to everyone
at the same time
not even close friends of mine
 but i guess that's fine
to have a poker face
without a deck of cards
but this is my hart
i must protect
and defend
when
the time
comes
even if
its before the sun-
raise
i must keep my eyes
on the prize
or the title
until God's arrival
for survival
of the spirits  

impure me

impure thoughts
are still caught in head
but there's no one in my bed
so i can't do anything with them
but they refuse to leave
and so i grieve
a little bit each day
praying that they will go away
since i have no one
to love me
to hold me
to console
in that special way
and then we would lay
because he would stay
in our house
because he would be my spouse
but that's just a fantasy
from an impure me 

FEELIN' REALLY COMPLEX

it's hard for me to breathe
my heart probably look like Swiss cheese
but God help me please 
to carry on
and remain strong
if i have to be here for long
because this feels wromg
on so many levels
so there must be a shovel  comin'
because it feels like i'm runnin'
out of  steam
sometimes
and that i'm losin' my mind, Lord
that you gave me
so I need You to save me
yes, help to stop missin' my Grand-daddy
and friend
so much
since i can touch them for awhile
help me to continue to smile
while i'm here
and through my tears
and despite my fears ...
of what's gonna happen next...
 in this life
before i see paradise
in the next
man,i'm  feelin' really complex

GROWING UP

flesh and bone
spirit and soul
are some of the things
that make me
whole
that make me
warm and cold
emotionally
yes wavy
like the sea
but that's me
a human being
with meaning
with hart
with or without
working body parts
yes, i'm real
because i can feel
compassion
and i can rationalize my thoughts
and admit my faults...
if asked ...
and i can almost totally...
accept my past

so i am...
growing up
 

NIGHTCRAWLER

God i only want your thoughts in my heard
when i lay in my bed 
But i'm not gonna lie....
i would love guy
at night
to hold me tight
but it wouldn't be right
because i'm single
but i have a tingle
that love to mess with my head
when i'm laying in my bed...
of loneliness 
hoping to be bless...
with someone 
but that someone never comes
or hasn't came
to change my last name
or mess up my frame
with a baby
but God, you know all this
You all that...
that's in my heart
and in my head
so just remove everything
that is crawling in my bed 

E-MOTION-AL

moving on
after a love one is gone
seem wrong at first
like it's something
that need to be rehearse
over and over again
until it doesn't feel like pretend
or like you're committing a sin
against a friend...
that's no longer here 
but you can still  hear them in your ear
say "it's okay to have a good day"
"filled with laughter and smiles"
"because we will only be apart  for a little while"
"so child, go on and live while you breathe"
"don't just grieve, but believe"
"that one day, it will feel like Heaven on Earth"
"until you burst  into Heaven for real" 
  
 

NO MORE CHILD'S PLAY

sin
is not
the friend
it pretends
to be
trust me
just try to
and see where it takes you
and breaks you in two
you might be happy for movement
because did something you wanted
but you end up feeling blue
not knowing what to do
or where to go
because you know that God knows
and still shows you love...
that is unheard of on Earth...
and so you feel worse
because still quince your thirst...
knowing that fact
and you can't take it back
you can only turn away
and say "no more child's play 

WHY MAKE ME CRY?

God why did You take Sheri so soon?
Up there like an air balloon
When her and I were so in tune
And she really did love me
And saw things that others didn't see
But I am glad that You allowed our friendship to be
I'm just sad, Dad
That we have more time together
on Earth
And I do wish You would've taking me first
Because my heart is about to burst
But I trust Your Plan
Even though I don't understand
"This"
And by the way, will You please give Sheri a kiss?
And tell her how much she is missed
While she living in bliss
Some of us are pissed
But glad she is walking and talking again 

BELOW ME

jealousy
envy
are not very friendly
but i play around with both of those clowns
and they just pulled me drown
below the ground
it's seems...
where no one could hear
 my screams...
of hurt...
 below the dirt
of me...
sometimes...
acting like a jerk
because someone else...
got a perk...
that i want in my life
yes, a slice of my paradise
my hopes and dreams
behind my screams
and my actions 

RAW EMOTION

flesh
shut up
because i'm tying to live a spiritual life
but you constant child's play
is affecting me everyday
in someway
but i can't seem to stay away
it's like a need you to breathe
even though constantly grieve...
over you
and the things you get me to do
and think
and then i sink
into this hole
because i lost control
and forget about  my soul 
 so i don;t feel whole
or real
and i can't seem to find a pill
to make my mind stop...
acting out..
of character
of my core
but i do have...
this tug-of-war
going on inside of me
but i so wanna be fee...
of this agony

DON'T DIS ME

my spirit is not disable
my body is
but i can still bring a lot good things...
to the table
yes i'm still able..
to match wits with you
and surpass you too
if need be
but this world refuse to see
what's in me
because i use a chair
but i swear i can  there
and go deep
because i was born to reach
and to teach
that there's more to this
than a disability
trust me
better yet come and see
just how free i am
in my body
and i don't mean ...
to hurt anymore
i just need for somebody
to get me a chance
despite my circumstance
and peoples' first glance ...
at me
because i am not...
my disability